Friday, September 28, 2007

love my lunch time naps!

I swear- that is what is keeping me going and plugging thru my 10 hour work days. I love my lunch time nap in my car. Even if I cant sleep, just laying back with my eyes closed for 15-20 minutes is all I need.

Naps should be mandatory for us adults.... they are so rejuvinating! Wish I napped on my lunches this whole pregnancy, and might continue them after baby comes too.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

happy birthday to ME!

I turn 29 today. Feels just like any other day. If we were still TTC I might be a little sad today, so I am happy to be pregnant.

I was thinking in the shower- the best place to think, besides on my drive to work. I want to blog what a day in my life is like right now. And maybe next year I can do the same when I turn 30.

I think my life has been pretty much like this for the last 4 years, since I have had this job. Work is seasonal, so in the spring I average about 70-80 hours a week (this year being pg, I worked just 60/week). Summer I work 45-50 hours a week. In the fall, 60 hours/week has been the norm, this season so far 50... but I think I need to cut back to 45 now. My days are always 10 hour days in the growing season. I like the winter. I work 4-5, 8 hour days. and get some time off. I like to go to bed early and wake early. I make the lunches, and most of the dinners (chris made all the dinners this spring- too queezy for me!). I work about 75% of the weekends between april-October: I get some weekdays off. And all weekends off Nov.-March. Our growing season weekends that I have off are always booked. Majority of winter weekends are booked too.

I am interested in how things are going to change. I have talked to my boss about working just 60 hours/week in the spring, 40 in the summer, and 50 in the fall. Then take time off in the winter accordingly to work 2100 hours total in the course of the year. (not this 2600 hours/ year B.S!)

I do love my job, and I believe I do a good job at it. But there is more to life then working so much! (oh, it is about 35 miles to get to work~45 minutes) I do hope that at this time next year I am saying the I am working less hours, and still doing a great job at work. I want to feel like I am spending time with my family, and taking care of home stuff too.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


It's probably dark in there, right? So I cant really blame the baby for not knowing the difference between night and day. I have been woken up every now and again from little kicks and punches. But last night was party time in there! Unbelievable all the action going in my belly while I am trying to sleep. It is just after 8am, and I have been up since 4:30. In the last 3.5 hours I have barely felt a thing. Figures!

I do find all those movements to be a little freaky. I cant help but think of aliens in my belly. Sometimes the kicks are so big, that my entire belly jolts a few inches up. I can watch it for a bit, then I have to look away- I cant believe no one gets hurt. The elasticity of my uterus is amazing. And the strength of someone that weighs just shy of 3 lbs is unbelievable.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

No boy name's yet

The crib situation is fixed! I got the right one, and an additional 10% off. Yay! I am happy. Cant wait till it is time to set up the nursery. Just a little more work is left in the new office/craft room area.

We had yet another busy weekend. Nothing like last weekend, there was some relaxing involoved this time. I helped my mom fill out shower invitations. One more visit to my parents (for the shower) and then next time we see them the baby will be here! Makes time feel so short when you look at it that way.

Chris and I talked boy baby names for over an hour. Still no contenders. Not one.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

the wrong crib!

That put a damper on my spirits. I bought the crib last night, and the store gave me the white crib instead of the woodgrain crib. I asked the High School aged boy loading it up if he was sure this was the woodgrain and not the white, and he said yes. Turd. I am not happy. This thing is huge, and it is in the house.

We're not ready for it yet- but it was on sale. We just dont have the time to be hauling cribs around either.

Monday, September 17, 2007

on the same page

Chris and I had a ton of windshield time this weekend. Long story short, ~our~ grandma had a stroke friday. She was supposed to be leaving the hospital that day from open heart surgery a week before. She is doing better now. So we went to see her saturday morning, then drove over 5 hours from there to a wedding. We spent 12 hours in our truck this weekend!

So, we had plenty of talk time. We discussed what all we have going on between now and when baby comes. EVERY weekend is booked. Of course we have a ton to do before baby gets here.

I am so happy that we are on the same page about lots of things. We both agree that the nursery needs to be ready by week 34 because Chris is going to be 10 hours away hunting when we are in weeks 35/36. We want to have the bottles washed and the babies laundry done by then too. We both agreed that we need to find some time to do something fun together before he leaves for his trip. The time is getting short that we can just up and go on a casino run. We both agreed that after Thanksgiving weekend we are planning NOTHING and committing to NOTHING.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Tie me down, please

Life is going to change dramatically in about 3 months. It won't be all that easy just to get up and go somewhere with a newborn baby to care for. It will be difficult to decide out of the blue that I am going out for dinner with friends after work.

I look forward to being tied down a bit. Right now things are so busy. And they have been for months. All free weekends have been booked and are booked long in advance. The baby is not here and Chris and I have been trying to find one moment for the past 2 weeks to go to the casino to spend my birthday money- thier has been no free moments. And I dont see one in the near future either.

So, come on baby! Tie us down. Force us to stay home and not be running non-stop.

Friday, September 14, 2007


Chris and I are not finding out the sex of the baby before he/she arrives. There are so few surprises in life, and this one I cant cheat.

When I was a teen, and maybe younger; my sister and I had a tradition. Just before Christmas my parents had a party for thier business and they stayed out late. Sis and I figured out where the x-mas presents were hid, and the ~code~ system on who's gifts were who's. They were already wrapped. So each year for many years we would look forward to mom and dad being away till the early morning hours so we could carefully peel the tape back and see what we were getting for christmas.

I still cant stand to not know what I am getting for christmas from my husband. I may be guilty of snopping into the gifts from him too.

With this ~gift~ there is no snooping. The anticipation is insane. For months I thought "girl, has to be a girl". lately I think "but it could be a boy" and I am not sure so afterall. I think Chris's intuition says "girl" too.

Chris's sister, who recently found out she is prenant and due in april, thinks that we found out the sex and are just not telling anyone. Haha, haha, haha. She is pretty darn sure of herself. Couple points: IMO, the reason for finding out the sex is to paint the nursery pink or blue (not nuetral!) buy pink or blue outfits (not nuetral!) and refer to the baby as he or she (not it!). If we did find out the sex, we would have choosen a final name by now and would be calling the baby by name too. Besides.... I could NEVER keep this sort of secret! That would be torture I would never submit myself too.

Believe me, it was hard as a teen not to say "Mom, you gotta hide our presents better! Sis and I have been opening them every year for the last 6 years before christmas and rewrapping them. It was her idea! I was just the lookout."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

What I like about pregnancy:

My sister inspired me to make this list of what I am enjoying about pregnancy. These days I feel quite good and have lots of energy. Overall these days are good days.

My list, in no particular order:

The kindness of others.
This includes complete strangers! While at Red Lobster a few weeks ago, there was a line for the bathroom and these 3 ladies agreed to let me go ahead of them. My customers at work dont let me lift an itty bitty perennial or shrub. When I offer to help customers load thier cars, most say I should go sit down. My staff and co-workers (well, most of them) dont let me lift a thing. I get away with coming into work late and leaving early too.

Feeling the baby move.
Do I really need to say more? It is a strange senstaion yet so wonderful feeling to think there is a new life moving inside me.

The new relationship with my husband.
Our relationship has evolved. I don't know how to put words to it. We see each other as more then husband and wife, we have a different respect for each other too.

Changes in me.
I have grown so much in the last few months. My views on life and relationships with people. I am more aware of how I feel and react to things in my life as well. I like that.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Blogger I am!

I made the switch. I had an online diary, and I just copied and pasted all those entries over. I dont want to loose the data from my baby making crazed days, or my early pregnancy days.

Why are some people so persistant about some things? For example, you give a friend a new recipe..... do you call them weekly to ask if they tried it yet? NO! You give it to them, and maybe a month later you might ask. You dont stay on thier case about it and call them every few days. Layoff you persistant folk. Mention it once, and LET IT GO!


handy husband
I feel so lucky! We (ok, I lie when I say we...) HE has been building a new office/craft room in the basement so we can have the baby room in the old office. It is getting done so fast! This weekend Chris will be texturing the drywall. Next comes primer and paint! then the ceiling! Finally the carpet and trim! yay!
After that is done, it will be time to move everything from the old office into the new office and paint the nursery. I am so excited! Right now we are thinking safari theme since we dont know if it's a boy or a girl.


pregnancy weight gain freaks me out
oftah. I have gained 20 pounds! I am 25 weeks, and dr. said my weight gain is ~perfect~ whcih is incredible weird to think that is perfect.
No scale peaking for me. I dont even want to know what I weigh. No matter what I eat I seem to gain 1 pound a week.
Looks like I am right on track to gain the 25-35 pounds my dr. wants me to gain this pregnancy.


Goodness! I wish I was better at this! I am contemplating switching over to a blog instead... hmmm.
Well, the baby is BUSY! I can not believe it. Never imagined it would feel like this. Chris likes to feel the kicks too. Just a couple more weeks and I am into 3rd tri. amazing!


Impressed with myself!
I am 22 weeks! I do have to say that I am impressed with myself. I have been a mega trooper thru some damn hard times! Pregnancy has not been easy, or enjoyable for me. And I am keeping quite positive. Hmm. maybe this wont be an only child afterall.


There is so much to do! I started the great daycare hunt. that is overwhelming as we are in need in part time care and I have so much time off in the winter. Most daycares want to be paid for every week if you are there or not. so I hope we find someone that will fit our needs.
i met with my boss to day about maternity leave. that went so well. I wanted 6 weeks off paid, and then come back to work 3 days a week for 4 weeks, with full pay. He said that is all ok, but he encourages me to work from home during that first month back to work! :-) But stopping in a couple times to check voice mails and get work to bring home. I am so happy!
We also talked about next year. In the past I ahve worked closer to 2600 hours a year... in the future I want to work more like 2100 hours. and that can work out as well. will just have to work harder while at work! No updating my diary at work! ahem...


16.5 weeks! yet again it has been too long. Moring sickness is about gone. Tapered off so slowly. I would say at 16 weeks is when it pretty well disappreared. that was rough.
my body is changing so fast, everything feel so weird and different. my belly button is getting flat, and where the scars are from my peircing were are not about 1/2" higher. I think my skin is starting to stretch too, it aches.
I am enjoying pregnancy these days. No movement yet, cant wait for that. and next week we have our u/s! cant wait to see baby!


been so long! wow, it really has. I am almost 13 weeks! Alomst into 2nd trimeester. I cant believe it. I have gained just one pound, food is starting to look appealing. morning sickness is ever so slowly easing. whew!


we have a heartbeat! wow! it was so great! total heaven to hear the hb. I had my dr appointment yesterday at about 10 weeks. that went well, lots of questions. I was fully prepared not to hear the hb, and the dr said that there was about a 50% chance that I will hear it. as soon as she put the dopler on my belly we heard it! The hb was about 170bpm and it was so beautiful. Dr. said it was nice and strong for 10 weeks. :-)


it has been a long time! it is spring, so work is crazy. And I am exhausted and still have some morning sickness.
this last week I went to the ER, for gas.... I had horrible abdominal pains, and shoulder pains. Could not get gas to pass, and it hurt more. So I called the nurse's line- she had me talk toa Dr. They said that what I was describing as pain was the same as internal bleeding from an eptopic pg. So, I went in./ They did an ultra sound, baby is in the right place. I did not get to see. So, all is ok!
Day after tomorrow is my first dr. appointment! time is moving fast I think.
I think my m/s is letting up a bit. I am not queezy over 80% of my day. I just have to be careful not to get too hungry. I am also not so damn tired either! It is all a welcome improvment!
I would have to say weeks 7/8 were my worst for m/s, with m/s starting at about 4.5 weeks. (I am 9 weeks now) I was the most tired at around 6 weeks. I got to xperience nausea, vomiting, dry heaving, even some blood vessels above my eye popped after some intense dry heaving. Horrible food adversions, that wasnt fun!
I cant wait for the day I say that I enjoy being pregnant.


going to nap.Tired has hit! wow. It is rough. I feel braindead too. So I am going to nap, luckily I have the day off!


morning sickness? already!yesterday I was 4weeks, 5 days. felt ick most of the day. I have felt somewhat ick for a few days now. But today too, I feel I could yack any second..... yuck.
It helped to put crackers on my night stand, and eat those before getting up. then eating breakfast right away. I will munch oll morning, and see how that goes.
I also came to a realization, and all my nerves were called. We want a family. To get a family, we may have to go thru a miscarriage, we will keep trying for that family if that happens. So...... to get my family, I have to be strong, and go thru all of this- whatever that may be. I feel so much better thinking that!


if someone would have told me that.....
that...... once I was finally KU I would symptom obsess even more then I did while TTC, I would have never believed it! Oh, it is true. Evenything I obsess about. Or lack of symptoms, I can obsess about that too.
that.... all our months of TTC and getting a -hpt, would end with getting a BFP in March, giving us a december due date. Which works nicely for us because I can take the most time off work.

things I want to remember
My symptoms before my BFP where minimal. Cramps the night of 7dpo, and a temp dip in my chart at 8dpo. Around 10dpo, developed an odd taste in my mouth.
Thats it! everything else was the same, sore bbs ect.
we did relax this month, and had fun with it. made it much more enjoyable!


4 weeks yesterday
Easter today! and we are 4 weeks 1day. :-) Yesterday I summerized myself as being a drinker (of water) a pee'er, an eater, and a sleeper. I am thirsty! hungry, and getting tired.
My nose is more sensitve too. Today I woke up, a bit scared about a miscarriage. Can we blame that on the hormones? My only reasoning, my bbs are not really tender anymore. Of course I had to reseeach, and make sure that was ok. And symptons can disapear and reapear often. I still have those slight O pains too, the corpus luteus doing its job! I think with m/c, I just have to have faith. And if it does happen, I am strong, I can deal with it. There is no reason to worry.


yep, confirmed
I went to Dr. they drew blood and I am KU. I am still kind of in disbelief, but excited too. Chris is excited too, maybe more then me!
We think we are gonna tell our family and friends on Easter sunday. Earlier then I had thought, but we really wanna share!


blessed with a BFP!
oh my gosh! I am 11 dpo, and I got a bfp! I am shaking. I am so excited! I cant believe it. I temped this morning. slept the whole night peacefully until 4:30. I temped, and that is an hour early, so I knew it was not accuarate. So I thought, what the heck, I will temp, peace of mind. And the first test, answer brand; came up light pink before the test was even done! then I tested with a cheap dollar store one. that was inconclusive.
I went to walmart. Bought a CBE-digital, baby big that says our little tiger, and a easter basket.
Tested on the digitla, it says PREGNANT!
So, I put the bibs in the basket, with the test that says pregnant in it too. Placed it on the toilet and waiting for Chris to wake.
WOW, I feel so blessed.


the wait is killing me again. I am 10dpo today. 8 dpo I had a temp drop and cramps the evening of 7dpo. and 9dpo a big temp drop. Today a drop. Arg, I just want to know. O am overanalyzing.


Crazy time starts!gosh, spring is here. Starting this week I work 6 days a week until early june. Ewwww. And they are 10 hour plus day. bigger eww. I am not ready!
And of course, I hope I am KU this C. (am I crazy!?!?) I will figure it out if i am. Today I am 8dpo, last night I had skight cramps, odd for me; and today a temp dip. I am sort of daydreaming about being pregnant and having a december baby. Which is not good, I hate being sad when I am not. I am doing everything in my power not to look up what our due date will be. That just makes me sad.


a week ago we heard from the Dr. about the charts I dropped off withthe 11 day lp. She is encouraging us to keep trying. said she would give us the referal, but then we would have to do the SA, HSG... everything. and I dont think we are ready for all that. We will keep plugging away!


a little sad
I just learned that a friend of my SIL, who also started TTC when we did is KU and due in september. I felt a little sad when I learned this.


to love or to be loved?
I love this question! Which do you prefer? to love or to be loved. Chris is a to be loved. I am a to love.
The question tells so much about who someone is. And neither is the wrong answer.


the way I now look at moles-they are like poison. I see one and I wonder, are you a bad one? how long have you been there? I swear more are popping up, and I just dont know if the are bad ones.
Luckily, every year I get to go in and get my skin looked over.... that makes me feel a little better.


After some thought, I do know what to think.
I have read, and reread that letter.
I feel sad for her! To be this upset about things 10 years later, and to not be able to just let things go! She needs help! She is so angry!
I want so bad to send her a letter, but I dont think I should. So here is what I feel I neeed to say.
Steph- go get help! and get past this, and enjoy life. Also, take some self-responcibility for the choices you have made in your life.
What you wrote, should have stayed private. Once in awhile, it does make people feel better to sit down and write a good old pissed off letter to someone and then never write it or say to them! That is the file this letter belonged in.
Even though I was not your "friend", I never once called you names. I treated you the same as I treated all other classmates. And for you to HATE me as much as you hate the ones that were calling you names disgusts me.
I did not stick up for you. As a teen that is hard to do. I barely stuck up for my "friends". See, as a teen when you stick up for the one being picked on you draw attention to yourself, and you become the one picked on too. All of us were just as self-conscience as the next and did not want that attention drawn to ourselves.
Do you want to know what hurts me from HS years? One of the people I called "friend" hurt me the most. She backstabbed me the most, and sold me out whenever she could. Yet we were still "friends". However, I look at myself internally and feel the most anger at myself for not being stronger and not having this girl as my "Friend". The way I see it with you- is it was your FRIENDS calling you these names. Maybe you should take some self-responcibility and put your blame on yourself for not being stong enough to say I dont need people like you to be my friends. I have some other issues and hurt from school age years too. But I have moved on.
We all got picked on, we all have bagage from those years. We found a way to get over it.


I just dont know
today I received a letter in the mail from a girl I graduated with. I am stunned. I dont know what to think.
She was in a book called "slut! Growing up Female with a bad reputation", her character was Paula. I might just get the book from the library and read it, maybe I will understand.
Basically, the letter is about how our class as a whole made her feel. People called her slut, whore and more along those lines. She singled out some people for the things they said- and everyone else for not standing up for her. Said she hates each and every one of us. Blames us for her failed marriage, and losss of her self respect.
I was one of those- I did not stand up for her. I did not call her those things, but I did not stop it. I graduated with just 18 people! our class was together constantly. It was hard for everyone from the most popular down to the least popular.
After reading and rereading this letter I still dont know my thoughts. Right now I feel OK with what I did. Yes, I did not stand up for her. That is so hard to do as a young self conscience teen. But I did not treat her bad by calling her these horrible things.
It is so hard as a Jr. High student/ high school student to stand up for the "outsider", and go against the group. It is easier to just stay quiet.
So yes, I can live with my choices. Today, being the more mature/less selt conscience person that I am- I would stand up for things that I dont think are right. That was a long time coming- until recently I was not OK with people not liking me. It bothered me so badly to know someone disliked me. Now, I dont need everyone to like me.
I have my own sourness from jr high/high school years. I got boobs in 5th grade! People were so cruel, to this day I am very self conscience. But I have figured out how to move on. Maybe she should as well? I just dont know.
Obviously she is very hurt, and I feel sad for her. I hope this letter helps her thru this process of healing.
Maybe I cant truely form an opinion or comment on her feelings because I was not treated this poorly? I dont know what to think.


bbt not going good
this C has been a tough one for temping. I dont think I have slept thru a single night yet! Temps are all over the place! Around O time, my temps were not all that pretty either. Grrr. At least I have my O date confidently narrowed down to 2cd's.
So, today is 7or 8 dpo. (I am not obsessing, I am observing! REALLY!) I woke up with mild AF like cramps, and now it is about 6 hours later, and they are back. In previous c's the only time I have had cramping is the day before AF showed. I pray that is not the case! I wont look into it too much either.... I cant! ~that would be obsessing~ which I am not allowed to do!
I just gotta be stong, to make it thru the next few days.... I can do it!

3-1-2007, today I posted a question on my message board about LP (luteal phase) totally thinking if you are over 10 days, all is AOK. well, I learned that me being at 11 days is questionable.
The LP- luteal phase is the number of days from O to AF. 14 plus is optimal. I only temped last C, and it was 11. The C in December... looked scary, with an even shorter lp, but that is going by CM and o pains... not a definate way....
So I posted a question to the board moderator, she knows some stuff. And said there is mixed info out there- that it may be 10 or 12. but if mine is yet again 11, I may want to contact a Dr. there could be a problem. nice.
so, I just gotta wait it out! wait, wait, wait some more! that is what I have learned about ttc.


Too cute.
back when we started TTC, actually before we started- so when we where talking about doing it. Chris said he did not want a baby born during deer hunting. he lives for deer hunting season.
All this C, I have known that we would be due during that time. but choose not to tell him. REally, what are the chances- well- it is 20%. and this is month 6 of TTC. so, why avoid it now? Last night, we were going to bd one more time... (I o'd yesterday- woohoo! finally, that flu pushed back my O 6 days!) Just before we bded- Chris said, wait a minute, started counting months... and said- no way! we would be due during rut. Then I said, what are the chances, this is our 6th month- why stop for this? He siad he had no idea we were at the 6 month mark. he did the math- we started first part of september.... 6 months! The cutie- he bded anyway!
I refuse too look up due dates anymore.... because that date sticks in my head and I dont want it too. So, no due dates till we are KU!


pre-cancer skin removed-I went to the Dr. wednesday to have more af the precancerous mole cells removed. The letter said a quick 20 minute procedure. stiches required. that was about it.
I was left tramatized. I need a mental picture of what is happening. And what they did was more then what I thought. it took over an hour. the smells, the sounds, the feelings.... were all so horrible. I think I am over it now..... and moving on. I have 11 stiches, and it was pretty painful the first 2 days. now it just itches.
I am learning- gotta protect from the sun! I dont want to do this again!
In our TTC world. I am making myself crazy. What it comes down to is this: Chris isnt good at bding more then EOD. We have tried ED a few times, and he ends up getting tired out and shutting down saying "no more"! So, all this temping and OPKing I am doing. really doesnt matter, because the outcome will be the same- EOD(every other day). I know it, I am a slow learner. but I am realizing all the extra effort I am putting into this isnt really worth it.


I was sick a few days this week with the flu. it wast fun!
and... I am waiting to O! seems to be no where in sight! Today is CD18, last C, I O'd on CD19. I really dont have any signs that it is close. I have heard that illness can delay O.


drama alert!
I frequent a ttc message board. Part of my thinks I should have never started going there because they obsess, and seem to be jealous people. But I have learned a lot.
Well, the message boards are broken into many catagories... 6 actually. I am on Just starting out. In the last few weeks I have been getting annoyed by sarcastic comments being posted when newbie get a bfp, or ask a repetitious question.... and the jealousy! whoa.
It is also so high school. One person is ballsy and says something, and her followers come along and add a comment.
Mid week, this all exploded. I dont even know exactly how it all happened, or why it exploded like it did. (however, it sort of felt like high school- with one group ganging up on me. I am tough I can take it). So, basically I said it, if you cant handly the newbie stuff, go find a new board! that is why there are so many.
well, basically it started with a prego gal posting a hello on JSO. Then the ring leader made a comment that was sarcasitc, and her followers all posted sarcastic stuff too. So I said, it is not big deal! it is a public board, if you are so sensitive, go find a new board! Then I was accused of calling them bitter, and kicking them off a board they have been on for 2 years... they have more right to be there... on and on...
So later that day, I posted a message saying why I made my comments. For weeks I have been listening to the sacastic junk- and of course go find a new board if you arent all giddy with excitment and dumb questions like newbie! And you guessed it... the ring leader had to post a comment about how I was mistaken... and it was so rude! A few people posted that they agreed with me, the boards have changed.
Well, icing on the cake! the board moderator came on and siad that I was right! each person should evaluate which board they should belong too. and if you dislike newbie questions, or newbie bfp's it is time to go.
With all that said. I know I am an outcast now.... they will treat me like crap when I go back. I feel good about what I said, because they were raining on the newbie parade!!!!
I have stayed off the boards since then, just to calm things down. I might just stay off for a long time.... I am done with the sarcasic remarks, and was getting annoyed easily. I dont need that! and they made me obsess, and think about my CD. I think I will be better off without the boards. If I need them, I can go back on and post a ?. I can change me name too if I want.


received a prediction
In the world (actually huge world that I never knew excited) of ttc, there are plenty of people that do predictions. I requested one about a month ago, and just got it early this week.
Angel said- girl, and the number 6. could be C6, or June (concieve, find out, or due). well, this is C6.... and june isnt so far either.
I am excited to see what all pans out. Oh, chris and I have another girls name we like. Baylee.


lost some sleep over something other then TTC!
I am kind of freaked out about the pre-cancer cells that have been removed, and going to be removing more.
I have been dumb in the past. Too much time in the sun, and tanning beds too. oh, and that smoking too. dumb, dumb dumb.
well, I did all that- so now I just have to watch and deal with it.
The sun issue is tough, since I work outside- but I will have to be more careful. I found one more mole the Dr. did not look at. Chris and I both thought it has gotten bigger over the years. So, I will have the Dr. look at that one too.
Why do I have to be me!? I dont ever listen, I have to learn things on my own. you can preach, preach, preach all you want- and I still have to figure it out myself.


letter from derm dr.
last week I had a mole removed. I got the biopsy results, and it was abnormal cells/precancer cells. so I ahve to go back and have more removed. stiches too.
I am happy they found it now, before it was cancer. but not happy to have a hunk of flesh missing from my shoulder blade.
I was so nervous about the appointment. but it really was so bad. I hope this one goes ok too.


dang! C6!Looks like Af showed just now. I did a good job not getting my hopes up and telling myself I am not KU.
I had spotting for 2 days. odd. never had that.
well, not much else to say. I am obviously not happy.


scrapcamp weekend coming up!
I am so excited! should get a ton of scrapbooking done. It will also help keep me distracted during my last week of waiting to find out if we are pregnant this month.
A ton of people on my message board have gotten BFP's this week. like 5? crazy! I hope the trend continues!
Today is CD25, 6dpo. I am happy I am temping, and OPKed. I got the hang of it after all- it is looking good.
I think I am doing great not symptom analyzing, and telling myself it did not happen this month.... I havent even looked up due date!
Since O was late... I am thinking my test dates will be 2/1 or 2/2 if no AF. lets hope! Oh, and I did O on friday! so the bding the night before should have been perfect! I did not need to stress after all!


figures, doesnt it?
So, for the 10th day in a row I took my OPK. Finally, it was a +!!!
Chris is gone till sunday, he left before I even got home today.
I had been planning for 10 days that as soon as we got a +OPK we would bd like buddies. Which isnt gonna happen, he is not here! Figures!
I gotta think positive- we did bd last night. and yesterday I had a ton of EWCM, chris was even complaining about it after bding. Also, fertility friend is telling me I should O between today and sunday. Lets hope for today! I should know in a few days. My temp should give me a clue.


I had bigger O pains today, we will see what the OPK says. it really doesnt matter I guess. chris is gone for the weekend, so there isnt much we can do but hope we got it already.


I think i am finally O'ing! This is so exciting, I was being to wonder if I would! this is CD18! still not a +OPK.... I think that is odd.
just gotta wait a little longer. I have not really had much of O pains this C. Yesterday slight twinges, and today too. but not like the last 5 cycles.


need strength
So, this recently I started temping and OPKing. Both have had ups and downs. For some reason, Fertility Friend said I ovulated on CD11. I dont think so! And my OPK's were not working properly. I emailed the company, turns out thier instructions were wrong. GRRR! now that I have proper instructions they work nice. DUH!
So I am quesioning my O date of 11th, even though I thought my OPK was a -, maybe it wasnt. Just gotta wait and see.
Chris and I agreed that we would bd every other day. I try to keep it fun, heck I think I work really hard at it. We want to bd EOD from CD8-24ish. So, I tried to initiate the bding tonight, he did not want to. Too tired. I feel rejected. It really should not matter, I dont have EWCM, did not get a + on my OPK.
There are so many things about TTC that are hard. Some things are unexpected, like DH not quite getting this TTC stuff, not quite understanding what is going on with your body.
I need to be strong, and patient. It will make this whole process alot more pleasant, and easier too.


I have always gotten these "feelings" about things. Here is mine about when we will be KU...
Of course I really want it to happen in the next 3 months... Jan Feb and March we will have lots of time to BD, OPK, BBT... But I just have the feeling that it wont happen till April, May or even June. At that time I will be too busy to OPK, BBT, and wont really even care when I O.
Time will only tell!
I was also thinking... I know each month there is roughly a 20% chance of getting prego. I jst dont grasp that. I want to understand why... it just seems so low.


what will our kids be like?
I love the bob and sheri show- and listening on my drive to work the chat room topic was something about you did this when you were young- and it came back to get you how? well, most callers were talking about how thier kids are doing things 10 times worse then they ever did. All I could think about was that both Chris and I had issues with putting things in our noses, ears etc.
Chris was much worse then I! at the age of 11 he shoved so much paper in his ears he had to go to the ER. 11!!! I was like 3 when I pulled the button stunt. He also are a whole bottle of baby asprin... he was pretty naughty as a kid.
I think I was kind of a rotten teenager. Life was rough at that time. Why was I so insistant on having a boyfriend from like age 14 on? The only time I was without was when I was 21-22 for about a year or so when Chris and I broke up. Then I took the time to "date". I hope I can relay this to my kids, that I want them to "date" not have a steady relationship when young.
I found my diarys from when I was younger.... I started to read them and then quit. I could not do it. maybe some day. But I remmeber being a teen rumaging thru ALL of my mom's stuff. I best get rid of it when I have older kids... I dont want them reading what I did!


Today I purchased a basal thermometer. hope that doesnt make me go crazy... and a 25 pack of OPK's- that I bought online, and will start at CD 10.
Tomorrow I leave for a convention for work. should be ok. I am not ready to see work people again. it was nice to not talk to them for a couple weeks. shhhh, dont tell them!



AF totally creeped up on my. Today. So C4 was just 27 days. shortest yet, and totally unexpected.
I am going to BBT this C, and might get some OPK's... just to figure out what my body is doing. Attempt to anyway.
Good news again- No migraine! I havent had one for over a month! very excited about that. I am really convinced BCP were the cause of my migraines... it seems as I am getting back to normal I am gettting less migraines.
not much else to say. just surprised. oh, and Chris seemed just fine with me temping...


will power needed! and what was that spot?

Today is CD 27, guessing, I am 9-11DPO. I had a spot today... brown, not alot. Could it be implantation bleeding? or just a spot telling me AF is on the way? BAsed on my previous cycles, I think AF is due thursday. Wed and thursday I am going to a convention, so I dont want to test either of those days... I just have to be stong and not test the next 2 days, and wait for AF to show or not, then test friday. I did have one 28 day C, but that was right after coming off BCP... ahh... just have to wait! nothing more to do! Then only other time I spotted, was once the day before AF showed.
I pulled a silly again today. I feel off the couch. LOL. actually my foot caught this loop in my pants, and I fell. I landed hard on my Knees, and of course cried hard. Chris and Oliver (our dog) came running. Oliver cuddled up to me, and started shaking really hard. it was so cute, he could see I was hurt, and he felt sad.
well, Chris is home with me again tomorrow. right now we are chillin! it is great!


day after Christmas
I survived! I am so pooped today. Overall I think the day was a success. So many sick people were here, I spent lots of time this morning disinfecting my house. Dinner was excellent. 30 minutes late... but I tried really hard! the damn turkey and prime rib took longer then expected!
I got left with a big mess! I will remmeber this for when I have kids!
My highlight! Chris's grandparents came! When they were leaving, grandpa gave me tons of hugs. Grandma gave me a couple too. And grandpa said that since they met me they liked me and I was instantly part of the family, just like one of his own kids or grandkids. That made me feel really special.


think I got it! I always thought I had it the last 4 months... but last night on the toilet paper was tons of it. it was clear slippery, did not fom a ball when rolled... and stretched big time. SO EXCITING!
Chris has a bed head cold, so he did not want to BD last night. But I convinced him by telling him in a few days I will have his cold.. and I cant take many drugs for it. So he best drug and and just do it! or me- LOL. And he agreed. :-)
I feel pretty good about this, since getting close to fertile time we were able to BD on CDs 14,16, and 17. Today is 18. Now I just have to patiently wait till next year!


vacation is nice!
I am off work now for over 2 weeks! So nice! Chris had the day off with my today, and tomorrow too. He has a head cold. poor guy...
WE are getting prepared for his side of the family xmas at our house monday. Should be a good time.


things I find frustrating about TTC

So you plan, sex will happen on these days at this time. You even create a pact that you will do it, no exceptions! great! but sometime there is a failure to launch the swimmers.
O pains. what in the world do they mean? will I ovulate soon? Am I right now? Or did I already?
Cervical Mucus- should I really be removing it to look at it? dont I need that stuff? And what exactly is it telling me!?!
Cervical position- Tell me, what exactly am I feeling for. I can feel it, and notice when it feels higher and different... but cant figure out if it is open or closed.
Should I really be poking my cooter this much to figure these things out? Am I killing the swimmers? Or removing valuable CM?
Should I OPK or not... Should I temp or not.... decisions!
Chris, he is so laid back with his "it is what it is". I know that, but I want to help things along if I can!
Is making babies a test? Like- if you can handle this process you can handle a baby. Am I failing the test?
60% of my daily thoughts, (and dreams at night), are making babies. Am I fertile? I am KU? When will I be KU? Why are we not KU yet?
---------------------------------------One thought helps calm all these things going on in my head. I need to pray for patience! And trust that god will help us through this!
Today i have the O pains! they started yesterday, but quite a bit of pain on my left side today. I also woke up and discovered what I think was EWCM??? Or not, it may have been a little thick.. Chris had a failure to launch problem this morning... so after work today we will attempt again! And back to the planning part- we will do it again tomorrow!


to not do it
I did not buy any OPK's last night. I have a good mindset right now, and am enjoying the TTC process. So, i decided against it.
Regardless, we would do the exact same thing this month whether or not we OPK. So, we might as well enjoy it and just let things happen!


In a perfectly planned world
My pregnancy would happen like this:
I would be due in December, and be able to take my time off paid, and have no worries about work. I say this because my job is seasonal, I get lots of paid time off in the winter. And in the spring summer and fall my plate is full!
Knowing what I know now- in my 4th C of TTC. Miscarriges happen often, and I am happy we did not wait until late winter thinking getting prego would be a breeze. However, I thought we would be KU by now. If we do get KU this month- we would be due in Sept. so.. March would be the month to get KU and be due in Dec. Which is going to be more difficult considering I work more hours.....
So, what I am thinking, is I have faith that God will lead us and let things happen as they will. So, the world isnt perfectly planned according to how I want things to be. Which is OK!


to OPK or to not OPK

I cant decide what to do! I am thinking about OPKing, starting tonight. (ovulation predictor kit I think) I am puzzled, my O pains always start by CD 9 or 10. Today is CD 14, and no O pains, and not much CM. So, I think I will buy some OPK sticks tonight and give that a try.
I think I can handle the OPK, before I think I would have gone crazy! but now, I think it will be ok. I am in a good mind set about TTC. Finally!


my love story.

Today I went into my old emails- to read some of the stuff chris used to email me. It kind of rekindled some of my feelings for him. I am sad that I dont have emails from the first time we dated... we dated for a year, then we broke up for a year. but I do have the messages of him wanting to see me again.
we grew up alot when we were apart for that one year. Today, I am happy we had that time away from each other- even though my heart was so broken when we broke up. Our relationship was good, but we did some childish things to each other. And of course, I thought I could change him. While we were apart we got to date other people. and we both relized that each other was the perfect match for us.
I went to Europe for 4 months in 2000. Prior to me leaving we were apart for 1 year. Then he sent me this email:
hi Just a quicky to say thank you for the address eurogardengirl cute and sassy just like always. Sorry it took so long to get back to you i was on vacation in the boundry waters just got back last night. The weather was fair only two days of rain and one windy day. I guess i figured out i will not be going back to the boundry waters with that group again they argued and fought most of the time what a nice way to ruin a very so much needed vacation.
I would also like to thank you for the evening that you were down here i had fun shooting the shit with ya i miss that. Next time i have a small request more cookies please :), they were nummy in my tummy.
As for your trip my suggestion to you is that you have a good time and enjoy yourself take in the sites that i could only dream of live life as if you only have one day left and if you make a mistake dont look back just keep moving on but remember not to do it again. Also remember to smile it will most definatly make people wonder what you are thinking about and if they ask tell them the most perfect man in the whole world (me). lol lol lol
Sarah i dont know how to say this but i never tried to hurt you. I often wonder what it would be like if we were still together. Would one of us race ahead while the other would drag their feet? I do still have feelings for you but which one of these i cant yet tell love or lust. I always have told others that if you love enough you will let the butterfly go and if it comes back you know it was right. i guess i grew up a little and have realized that i have made some mistakes in life that can not be changed back to the way i would like so i am so very sorry if i have hurt you in the past and i would like for you to forgive me. Mom the other day before i left said sometimes you dont know what you have until you lose it. i guess that little saying has brought this out of me with some thinking.
i will try out your eurogardengirl account later ;-)
I would like to see you before you leave if it works out just to say bye and wish you the best of luck.
with love christopher smile it bring out the best in you---------------------------------------
Ok, I know he types slower then a turtle, this had to taken forever for him to type! I got this message before I left, and he did visit me for just a short time at my going away party. While I was on my trip I got quite a few emails. He was my rock when I was down, telling me I am stong. It was so sweet. Right when I got back I went to visit him, and we knew it- we were going to get married and be together forever. All those childish things stopped, and we accepted each other for who we are. We got engaged 1 year later, and married 2 years later.


Good news and bad- no migraine, but got my period yesterday. ahhh... on to C4. our plan is to bd (baby dance) every other day at the least. And continue to stay relaxed and have fun with it.


I did it, I counted my cycle days. But I am not freaking about it, I am staying nice and relaxed. Today is CD31…. That means because of my last 2 cycles my period is due today. Also, in the past I have had a migraine headache the day before… so far none. But they hit fast! Last C, I had a few days of headaches before my period too. I think my test date of 12-6-06 is a good day to test if I still don’t have my period. So, waiting… waiting….. oh so patiently! Deep down inside, I feel like we missed it, that we are not KU. Simply because of timing, and my lack of symptoms. So I wont be surprised if this isn’t it.
So this weekend was busy! Hunting, and moving the inlaws. Their new home is nice, perfect sized for the 2 of them, but much smaller then what they were in. It was a cold weekend, highest temp I saw was 21. BRRRR! So I was a frozen turd muzzle loading. My MIL, and FIL are now a bit farther from us…. 1.25 hours. I don’t mind it, we are able to see Grandma and Grandpa so much more! It was a big adjustment for Chris though.
I asked Chris if he wants a baby boy or girl. He said boy, so I asked what percentage…. He said 75% boy, 25% girl. I think he wants a boy more because of hunting, and that sort of stuff. But I think he would love a girl too (maybe girls intimidate him a little bit too…) he is so good with the girl nieces, and seeing them he gets such a big smile. You now, we only have 1 nephew, so I haven’t seen him around baby boys much at all.


Chris and I were talking baby names the other night. We cant seem to agree on anything!!!! Finally we did. A girls name. We both LOVE the name Julia, but we don’t want to name a baby girl Julia because Chris’s sister has a Olivia and a Lydia. So, Julia… no, I don’t even want to hear about it! So we kept talking, and Chris said Julianne. I like it!
I told him the other night that sometimes I feel more like his mother then his wife. Since we had that talk be has been a little better. I still do tons for him, but I am hearing more pleases, thank you’s and I appreciate it.
this month I am having far less pg symptoms then last month. but then again , I wasnt even KU! I have noticed my boobs are more tender, and the PMS cramps havent started yet, and they usually do. BUT NO OBSESSING ALLOWED!


My husband and I have been oil and water lately. We are so short, and not communicating well. The honeymoon stage must be over.
He wants to buy land, I want to save our money so someday I can work part time. He thinks that is dumb, I think buying land isnt smart right now. We just dont seem to be on the same page at all. we have been so busy too, that changes things too. Time to just sit down and talk!!!!
In about a week I should know if I am pregnant this cycle. I am doing a great job not analyzing my symptoms. I do have to say, my boobs hurt quite a bit today. But after last month, I swore I was KU- so there is no symptom analyzation going on here! So I am praying for strength! and some patience too! of and communication skills to fix things with my hubby!


one of those days- I got nothing done at work today. Between phone calls, customers, and a couple misc. projects I did not even start the project I wanted to do.
The 4 day weekend was awesome! Busy, yet relaxing. We went to my family's and it was a good time. I spent lots of time with my neices and nephew, that was great. They are really getting to know Chris more and more, I think they like him. They attacked him after dinner, wrestled him, and wore him out. it was cute.
I drank quite a bit this past 4 day weekend. I have not drank much for the last 3 months while we are TTC. Even though I could be prego and not know it, I drank anyway. I dont think it will hurt anything, and how long will this take anyway? I will just enjoy in moderation. I have a lovely bottle of red wine at home.... calling my name. Havent decided if I will drink it or save it.... if I open it I tend to drink the whole bottle...


Golly, I am so tired today! I went deer hunting over the weekend at Chris's grandparents land. It was nice, but I saw few deer and I did not get one. Neither did chris.
I am doing pretty well this cycle TTC too, just taking it easy and not obsessing about what in the world my body is doing. I dont know if we caught the egg or now. Nothing to do but wait. I thought I O'ed last week, but over the weekend I had so many symptoms that I may have O'ed just yesterday. So, now I just gotta stay relaxed and wait it out... Chris is just super through this too. He has quit saying that god awful phrase, and is working hard at TTC with me. The I'm too tired excuse doesnt fly these days! It is hard not to think about something you want so bad!
My goal is to wait till 12-6 before I do a HPT (I love calling this POAS- pee on a stick). By then I should be officially late, and if no AF I can test.
This weekend is a long weekend, and it will be busy. Next weekend I may join chris muzzle loading, sounds like a hoot, and it will keep me busy, and the next weekend we are going to a wedding. Staying busy is the key to keeping my mind off either or not I am knocked up!


Goodness Gracious, that was Gas?

I am still laughing about this one! LOL! late morning, my tummy started to hurt SO BAD! sort of felt like I was gonna get the runs. Then my shoulder started to hurt really bad. An hour went by, things were worse- I contemplated going home.
I told the recpetionist here at work about my pains, and she suggested it was gas and gave me some tips of how to pass it. I worked on that for about 30 minutes, and passed 4 massive air filled toots. Sure enough, not only my belly ache went away, so did my shoulder ache! I guess as you are filled with gas, your rib cage lifts up and makes your shoulders ache. 30 minutes later the aches and pains were back- I passed some more. Now I feel good! I am happy I am laughing baout this, and not in the ER like I thought I needed to go to because it hurt so bad.


I cant decide if I like these O pains or not. I like them because it tells me ovulation is near, and I dislike them because they make me anxious!
I find it comical now that when I was a teen- pre birth control pills. I would get these exact same pains, no idea what they were- so I refered to them as "popping an ovary". silly me, I sort of was popping one... popping an egg out that is.
Going off BCP was tough for me. I had 2 weeks of migraines. But since that I have had just 2 or 3 migraines. While on BCP, it was 3-7 per month. But I could take my Maxalt for them and not think twice. Now, I cant take my maxalt so I am hoping for no migraines! Also, my first month off BCP, I am happy we were not TTC, my body was so strange. I would have thought I was prego for sure.


ticked 3 times by 9am! this is too much!Goodness! Today was rough. I was ticked off 3 times by 9am.
My first issue- my husband. I do so much for him! He wakes up at 6:30, leaves at 6:35. I make his lunch, start his truck, make sure he got out of bed on time... Well, Oliver had a tick on his face and scrathced it off. Now he keeps pawing at it and it is raw and bleeding. so we have been putting creme on it. He was yelling at me to put the creme on, I just cant do it, I get my finger an inch away and I cant do it. So I was yelling back- then you make your lunch, start your truck, take out the garbage, and then I will put the creme on. He makes my mornings suck! I think we have to discuss this!
So then I get to work, and the copy machine in my office has been broke for months. For some crazy reason I started digging into it to fix. That ticked me off, because I hate office equipment.
Then I go out to the wreaths, boughs and roping at work still. Saw that someone messed up the piles I neatly sorted, and ripped off the sold tags. It took me an hour to fix the damn mess!
AHHH!!! I actually did a pretty good job not letting my blood boil. Which is great, I am working on that. I am also working on ways to fix the problems ASAP rather then get pissed about it and let those things ruin my day!


my day just got better!My boss just gave me our winter schedule. This is so awesome!
2 years ago we got 1 month off over the holidays, last year it was 2 weeks off at the holidays and 4 day work weeks for Jan and Feb. This year 2 weeks off at the holidays, and 4 day work weeks dec, jan and feb! and shorter work days in Dec too! woohoo!!! this is fair, I work my ass off in the spring especially. I will have to calcualate out the hours and see what I average it it comes out fair....
Awesome! I did some quick math, and based on an appoximation on the number of hours I worked this past year, and consider our break, the average is 44 hours a week!!! I can live with that! my first year, I averaged 55 hours a week, last year was about 50, and this year my goal was 45. I feel that is fair for a salary employee.


it is what it is

Isnt it just strange how some relatives hug and others dont? I know, my mom's side of the family has always been a little distant. I met my mom, aunt, and grandma for lunch today. Gave my mom a hug goodbye, and hugged my grandma- no reaction. Interesting. Oh well. As my husband says obsessively- It is what it is. Man I hate that statement! I know "it is what it is" so why are we saying that!?!


bye bye blues I hope!

last week I was feeling blue. I could not get out of bed in the morning, which is odd for me! After work I did NOTHING, no ambition.
So over the weekend I cleaned of course, then I just vegged! Chris was gone so that made it easy. I have not vegged for a weekend since last winter! And my weekends are already booking up fast for Dec. and Jan. I really needed that time, and I feel pretty good today! I intended to get our of bed early to exercise, but that did not happen. But I feel like my normal peppy self today. :-) :-) Its about time!


My golden birthday- This was a milestone in my life.... last year was my golden birthday. When I was young... like 5-10 years old, my friends would have thier golden b-days. And I always had this image in my head of what my life at my golden birthday would be like. I thought I would have the perfect husband he would have the best job and make big money. We would have 4 kids, a big house in the country and I would he a stay at home mom.
So a month before the big day hit, I realized my childhood image of my life at 27. My husband is awesome, the best man I could have picked for me. That part the child me got right. He has a great job, not that we could afford for me to be a SAHM. (however I think anything is possible if you are determined enough!) I have no children, and was just starting to desire a family at that time. Our house, it is great- not that childhood mansion I pictured- but awesome in my now adult image.
I sort of had a breakdown. That birthday was hard for me. I work so many hours, I think that was what I disliked the most at that time. I work alot of weekends too, and I miss out on alot of things. On the day I took the day off work, and spent the day doing what makes me feel best when I am blue- gardening! I had a wonderful warm sunny day digging in the dirt and planting some perennials in my new shade garden. So that day was great, but it made me think a little bit about my life and where I wanted it to go.


So this is my first entry. I find it strange that I am even here, every diary I have had never lasted more then a couple weeks.
I guess I am here because my mind is full of thoughts. My husband and I have been TTC (trying to concieve) for 2 months now. This is so mind consuming. I am constantly wondering if I am pregnant, when will it happen, why hasnt it happened yet, what was that twinge I just felt. It is almost driving me crazy. So, here I am trying to figure out my thoughts and control them too I guess.
I am so excited that we are ready for this, it took awhile to get here. When we were first married we knew we were not ready for a family quite yet. I dont know why, but last spring we started talking about it, and we decided we were ready. We picked this fall as our time to start. I love that he is excited too, he will be such a great dad.
Why is it making me crazy when my period arrives and I know I am not pg? In all honesty I am just fine if it doesnt happen right now. I trust that it will happen when the time is right for us.
So my plan, for cycle 3 TTC is to relax and just let things happen if they will- and expect nothing to happen. If I do anything else, I think I will go CRAZY!