happiness

I have been trying to figure out how, and when I can be happy. Why am I not happy with my life? And what do I need to do so I am? Why is it so hard? Is it that I have a different outlook on life.

I strive for happiness. Sometimes I say that I demand happiness in my life and I won't settle or just pass the time. Is this a bad quality in me?

There just has to be more to my life then scurrying around like a chicken with my head cut off between the shifts I work. Is it that I work a seasonal job where 100% of sales are made between april and october; and about 75% of those are in just 3 short months? Between April and October I barely ever work a week under 50 hours, and have 1.5 hours of drive time in my day. Am I just supposed to postpone life till the off season? Sure, on average my goal for this year is to work 40 hours per week. So you add up all the hours I work in the entire year, and devide that by 52 weeks, and hope to get 40. That means I put in over 60.week in spring, 50plus the rest of the growing season. Or is it that my job is just too demanding all around? Having to manage an entire store while I am freaking exhausted.

I dont know what change I should make, and will that in turn result in happiness? Moving closer to work would give me more time. Working less hours will give me more time, but maybe more stress at work. I think having more to life then work and the day to day scurry is important. like hobbies! but I cant image doing anything like that these days.

more 6 month stuff

I just wanted to add more of what the little man can do. He can sit up unsupported for about 30plus seconds. Rolls both ways avidly. Looks like he is about to take off crawling too!

6 month appointment

Brayden had his 6 month check-up and shots today. He weighs 18lbs and 13 oz, and is 27" long. 75th percentile for weight and 75-90th for height. He tried eating the paper covering on the table, Dr. L's tie, his ear checker thingy, and mom's collar. He did great getting his shots too, as good as you can be for getting 6 shots in 2 legs!

daddy was concerned that brayden doesnt respond to his name being called. The dr said not to worry about that until a year, but he may respond as early as 9 months. He can have water, but doesnt HAVE to have it. There is no limit to the amt of water he can have a day.

my first weekend off in ages!

the weekend was fabulous! Chris and I had date night friday- that was a blast. Brayden slept well finally for 2 nights in a row- so I was rested. Saturday Brayden and I did some shopping, and we tried out our shooping cart cover and harness. he really liked being upright and able to see everything. He did so well! Then we hung out with friends and played Wii!

Yesterday we went to visit Chris's parents, and saw his grandparents just a little too.

We had plenty of time to chat on our drive. We talked alot about my PPD and how I am changed. We both agree that Bfing saved me from being any worse then I was (because I was bound and determined to be successful at bfing). Helped us to bond and fall in love too. If I didnt have to care for Brayden every 2 hours by feeding him, then I think I would have holed up and just slept..... there were a couple moments I was so overwhelmed I thought about just leaving- but stayed because Brayden needed my milk. I think it is so sad that a new baby is ~supposed~ to be the best time of your life, and for me it was my absolute worst time of my life. Chris and I talked about how Brayden might have been affected by how depressed I was at that point in his life. Chris thinks because of Bfing Brayden loves his mommy the most, and shows me so much love that no one else gets (at least to the degree that I do). I dont wish any level of PPD onto anyone!

Chris took me to see a couple wonderful trees in WR. One was the 3rd largest Sycamore in the state of WI! The other was the biggest Gingko I have ever seen. Both beautiful trees. Ahh, he knows that the way to my heart is thru the trees and plants!

the mom swimsuit

So I havent purchased a new swimsuit in years. I have even been swimming in years! Probably 2 years? Since then I have gained a total of probably 60 lbs (sure, 45 of those were pregnancy pounds and I have lost all but 7 of those- but my body is so not what it was 2 years ago! Those suits dont fit, and I would feel so uncomfortable in a 2 piece suit. C-sections leave this flap of skin..... pregnancy leaves a loose tummy.... my skin cancer scare leaves me freaked out and an avid sunscreen wearer- so I am mega white!

Anyway.... I plan to swim maybe 3 times a year now that I have a baby. and I dont plan to bake in the sun. So I bought asuit yesterday that I feel comfortable wearing in public. It is one piece with a skirt attached. Actually somewhat flattering, hiding my flap, flab and scarey theighs. If I were going to swim more then that, I would invest in a really nice suit that you buy by the cup size- more of a custom fit- that would be over 3 times what I paid for the suit I got yesterday.

I showed it to chris- he said it is such a ~mom swimsuit~ and he would rather my show my flap and flab and wear a 2 peice then wear a one peice with a skirt. We laughed a lot about that, then he accused brayden of ruining me. But agreed it was worth it because Brayden is so cute.

I am keeping the mom swimsuit, and have plans to take my baby swimming for the first time over july 4th weekend! I think he will love it.

yeah right!

the other day chris and I were talking about our landscaping. To me, the front is gorgeous (need to post some picts!) the rest is a work in progress. The sides of the house just have the bed in, no plants. Chris said "why dont you just draw up a design already and get the yard planted and be done with it?". I seriously laughed at him! If we wrote our own vows, mine would have included: "to bear with me, and deal with having an ever changing landscape that will never be ~finished~". Be done with it? LOL. not me sweetheart!

hey mom! (my mom that is)

got anything to say about this?

Supposedly I would just crash mid-whatever too. eating, playing..... Brayden has been a pro at this for awhile. He just loves this baseball guy too. Seriously, I heard thump, thump, thump of his jumping around- then a second later I didnt, looked over and he was sleeping! He fights and fights his naps and going to sleep- and then ends up crashing. LOL. Oh no! he is like his mommy!

somewhat human again

YAY! I have been waiting for this week for over 2 months! I have the next 2 days in a row off from work!!!!!! The days that I do work this week, are closer to 9 hour days rather then 10-11 hour days. I've got the earlier shift too- so I get home early enough to have dinner with Chris at a more normal hour. I feel like more of a person then a working- momma machine.

Napping, relaxing, and more napping are definatly on the adgenda for Brayden and I. I am so tired, both mentally and physically. I worked my tail off the last 2 months and if I dont rest I might fall off the deep end! I am not kidding.

jumper and getting thru the nights

Brayden loves his door way jumper! He has ablast in it, and giggles, and jumps so high! It is precious! Thanks to his cousins for giving him thier's! (they are too big for it).

He is just about sitting up unsupported! He loves to eat too, these days it's sweet potatoes.

The last couple nights Brayden has been just a bear. We wonder if he is teething? Pretty cranky and waking often (not last night, but the two nights before). When he is like that at night, I just put him in bed with me (spare room, chris sleeps too hard! I sleep light) and we side-lay to nurse. He sleeps, and I sleep and we both wake up happier (I feel like a momma cat) How did non-nurser's deal with these hard nights? I would be a maniac if we couldn't side lay nurse.