OK, I can talk about it now.

For those of you wondering why I have been MIA or distant, this may explain lots of things. It feels good to talk about my feelings and thoughts too.

Right after Brady was born, I got a good case of Baby Blues, at least that is what I thought they were. I cried for no reason at all. That is how it was at first, but gradually each day I felt worse and worse. Two weeks after his birth Chris and I decided I should see a Dr. because we wondering if it wasnt PPD (post partum depression). Now, please dont judge me or say cruel things- I want to say what I was feeling when things were the worst. Honestly, I didnt want Brady (no, I wasnt going to hurt him- I knew this was a temporary feeling). I felt like life was just fine without out him, why did we try so hard to bring this sort of stress and tourmoil into our lives? I had not bonded with Brady much either. I thought that your baby is born, they dr hands him./her to you and you are in complete love with your baby. It was nt like that for me. For the first couple weeks, I nursed Brady and passed him off to dad. I could not handle being alone with Brady and felt like I was a bad mom and I could not decide what to do next with brady (change him, feed him....). I also felt very ripped off because I had a c-section and Brady's birth day was nothing like I had expected it to be. I never really got the chance to become OK with having the c-section, I just got thrown into the operating room 30 minutes after we decided to do it. Of course, after baby is here you really dont get much of a chance to think about yourself either and regroup your own thoughts.

I talked to a therepist, and that helped tremendously to hear that it is ok to feel like I do and some things take time. I see her again shortly. The dr. also prescribed me an anti-depressant (it is completely safe for Brady breastfeeding, we talked to the psych dr, my ob, and brady's pedi about that and feel confident that meds are what WE need- they all said if I dont get better and bond and love brady he will be far worse off in the future then taking a drug that has no known effect in the breastmilk). The therepist also talked to Chris and explained so much to him and told him just to listen to me and dont try to fix things. Chris has been so helpful thru all of this.

So, I take things day by day. Hour by hour. I survived 2 days with Chris at work! And I am starting to bond and fall in love with Brady. It's all gonna take some time, but I am already happy we sought help for me.